Virtual Hand Holding

These were the longest, most exhausting flights I've ever not been on!

Just a few hours to Atlanta, then 8 plus over the Atlantic to Amsterdam, and the last 11 1/2 from the top of Europe to the bottom of Africa. I finally exhaled when I read her text this afternoon that she and her luggage had arrived safely in Cape Town.

Then I cried. Tears of relief, I think.

There is so much I want for her. So much I want her to see and experience while she spends her summer in a land she's always dreamed of.

"It's for this reason I do not cease giving thanks for you, while making mention of you in my prayers; that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory , may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe." Ephesians 1.15-19

My Stretching Momma Heart

Tomorrow my first baby girl leaves home for the summer. On a plane. A big plane headed to another continent. Too far away for this momma's heart.

She is so excited. And I am too. Almost. Why is it that watching them grow and letting go is hard?

I am so proud of her for being chosen to be a part of this study abroad team. I'm proud of all the things she's accomplished in only 21 years. I'm proud of her relationships with her siblings. But if all that was gone, I'd still be proud of her. Just who she is, what she ponders, how she serves.

I love you, baby girl. You make my heart sing.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, 

for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1.9

Majestic Peace

There's an event I want to attend in the near future. It's been written in my calendar for weeks. The date is approaching. Why do I find myself waffling on this seemingly simple decision now?

It falls on a Friday evening. The launch of the weekend for my sweet family. Currently not a time to relax, but an opportunity to work longer hours. Still weekends contain our limited family time. Should I slip away to secure my oxygen mask, to join friends for a night of needed laughter?

We are wading into a difficult season and I fear this is only the preface before many new chapters. I agree with Husband. I feel and see the support of our dearest friends and family. I see God moving & providing. But here in the midst of the emotional chaos, my Redeemer looks different. Steady & sure, but not sweeping and blindingly glorious. No trumpets blaring announcing His arrival. Just a calm. My heart desires for my Savior to be overwhelming and majestic in His care for me. I long for the comfort of His biggness enveloping my frailty.

Perhaps, if I'm still long enough, I'll recognize Him in the Overwhelming Silence and Majestic Peace of this season.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~Phil. 4.7

Dinner with the Father

I’m committed to ‘rejoice in the Lord always’, in the midst of the chaos. I want to share with you what we experienced just yesterday afternoon.

First, while opening a new checking account for oldest daughter, our new bank has a ‘buy back’ program where they purchase from you all your old check pads and debit card from your former bank. In the end, 15 unexpected dollars was deposited into her new account. $15 is quite a bit to a sixteen year old.

Then, my sweet neighbor, whose husband works for a local television station, gave us tickets to see the Shriner’s Circus this Friday night. This gift has many layers that I’ll be unpacking for days. My little people don’t remember ever seeing a circus, dancing daughter loves the circus and my daddy was a Shriner Clown. This is not only a treat for my children, but it’s a happy for my own heart. I think God’s work of redeeming and restoring is daily and eternal.

And we ended the day with this episode. D has been asking for a chicken sandwich for days. He’s really been missing college brother lately and they used to go to Zaxby’s together on ‘brother man dates’. I know I don’t have the extra money right now for eating out. I do keep a box of loose change in my car & I planned on getting D and Mimi a ½ price drink at Sonic while driving dancing daughter to class. It just so happened that my little people didn’t ride with me, they played at my neighbor’s house. I was thinking, ‘Whew, they’ll forget about our Sonic drinks and I just saved $2’.
An hour later, Husband , Mimi and I take D to soccer practice, then we decide that we can find a few dollars and get them a burger & chicken sandwich for dinner between soccer and picking up Sara at dance. So at 7 o’clock we pull into Sonic and Rob begins ordering. A route 44 Sprite we can all share, a hamburger with no pickles for Mimi (her favorite), a chicken sandwich from the dollar menu for D, and a large fry for them to share. The Sonic guy laughs with Husband while taking our order and says he appreciates Husband’s thinking & says he’ll do us a favor and personally deliver our food to us. While we’re waiting, we being counting out quarters from my change box and dollars in Husband’s wallet and our Sonic guy comes out carrying the tray of food in the air like a pizza man. As he hands Husband the food, he says dinner’s on him tonight. We were speechless! This longwinded family was without words. Not because of this strangers kindness, but because of God’s provision. God bought a chicken sandwich for my baby boy and served my Mimi her favorite Sonic hamburger with no pickles! The God of the universe knew the desire of a 5 year olds heart and his love of French fries & God, their Heavenly Father, paid what I could not.

He does hover over us. I caught a glimpse of Him last night. I tasted His goodness. Five of my family in a leaky suburban ate dinner at His table last night.

As Husband finished off D’s mangled leftovers, he referred to it as his ‘manna and quail’. I really hope he wasn’t insinuating we’d be in this place for the next 40 years…

We love you all dearly. Be encouraged. We are.

“Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You.” ~Psalm 63.3

Return

I really don't want to ride this again. The daily quest for peace and paycheck. I've been here before. I didn't choose to return, but here I am, navigating through the fog of fear and dread.

I've camped out in Matthew for weeks.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." ~ Matthew 11:28-30.

First, because I was apprehensive to dive back into homeschooling. It's been a few years since I had to read every word of instruction to a young child. My sweet boy that loves to ride his bike and climb trees, not sit holding his pencil the correct way. Five weeks into this venture and I've watched God school us in the living room every morning. It is an amazing site. I am so grateful.

Now I wonder if the Spirit led me to these few words for this unfolding season of financial uncertainty and faith stretching.

His provision is unconventional. His love immeasurable. His pursuit of my heart unrelenting.

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You." ~ Psalm 63.3

Idle Engine on the Tarmac

We attended freshman orientation last week. My tears began during the first skit. How ridiculous. The orientation leaders, upper class men at our university, were dancing to the college fight song. Parents around me were clapping and laughing. I was trying to stop crying.



I'm at a loss. A season of unexpected grief. My home is far from quiet and my nest will not be empty for years. But my heart is lonely for my firstborn. The one who taught me how to mother now needs less of my daily care. Who will teach me how to let go?



For now, he's still here. Under our roof, in his bed at night, eating meals at our table. I want to launch him well. I'm not sure what these next few weeks will look like. I pray that as we continue to prepare him, (I do need to teach him to iron) that our words and actions will lead him to more independence from us and dependence on Jesus.



"My son, if your heart is wise, my own heart also will be glad; and my inmost being will rejoice when your lips speak what is right." Proverbs 23:15,16

Childlike

Reminders to me that I don't need all the answers hug me every morning and call me 'Mommy'. All that's asked of me is obedience, faith like a child, loyalty. God wants my whole heart.

What was so easy as a little girl now seems so complicated and difficult. What happened inside me that brings me to doubt and hesitate.

I would stand on the kitchen counter and Daddy would say, "Jump!" Sometimes I would leap before he was ready for me. Now my Father leads me to the edge of myself and coaxes me to take one more step, only now I pause and the 'what ifs' whisper to me. The longer I take to move, the louder the rumble of fear becomes.

Jesus, teach me the sound of Your voice. I want to recognize You in the midst of the confusion and clutter that surrounds me.

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." John 10:27